Do me a favor, picture the most “self-centered” person you can think of.

The term “self-centered” conjures up a picture of someone whose words, actions, and attitudes always make it about them. It doesn’t matter what it is, they plop themselves right in the center of whatever is being said.

You could be telling an exciting story about your recent “once of a lifetime trip” of hiking the trails that run next to the Great Wall of China. Somehow, your story becomes non-existent as your friend goes on and on about the great Chinese food they had last week.

You may have gotten a hard-won promotion at work, but your co-worker butts in midway through your exciting news hinting that you only got that promotion because of they had a hand in your good fortune. You shake your head because somehow, the needle in the conversation always points to them.

Blind to my own short-comings

Self-centeredness is glaringly obvious when we are the in relationship with someone who struggles with taking over the conversation.

Too often, we are completely blind to the ways we are self-centered in our conversations. We interrupt. We steer towards our interests. We overtake. We check-out. We one-up. We ignore signals. We change the subject. We fish for compliments. We minimize their feelings. We try to fix, rather than listen. We’re mentally preparing our next point. We steal their story. Oof… that list hits hard. If you’re anything like me, you’re checking boxes you wish you weren’t.

I care deeply for the people in my life—especially my family. I want to attend fully to what they are saying and allow the Holy Spirit to guide my words. Yet too often, my sinful nature and lazy habits sabotage those moments, causing me to miss opportunities to truly care for the people I love through the gift of listening.

My ears and my mouth

My open ears and heart need to take center stage, and my words need to take a seat in the back row.

This fall on a car ride, my daughter shared that she gets frustrated when I interrupt her. I honestly hadn’t even realized I was doing it. Since I want to overcome this bad habit of hijacking conversations, I asked her to let me know whenever she notices me interrupting. Wow—I no idea how often I interject or cut people off.

She’ll look at me in the eyes completely quiet, and suddenly I become aware—I’m doing it again. I catch myself falling into this pattern in other relationships too. It has made me stop and pause. I’ve been considering what’s at the root of my impulse to jump into a conversation before the other person has finished their thought.

The bottom line is that I’m placing myself above them. It’s also made me reflect on what I’m actually communicating—not just the words coming out of my mouth, but what my interrupting signals to the other person.

I’m saying, I’m more important than you.
I’m saying I was only listening just long enough to know when to jump in and take over.
I’m saying I think I understand you without even letting you finish.
I’m saying I want to control the conversation.

Basically, I’m saying I’m self-centered.

Ouch. I don’t like the sound of any of that—yet it’s exactly what my actions are communicating. I would never say those things out loud, but in my heart, I have to ask whether even a small piece of them is true. My tendency to chime in uninvited might reveal more than I’d like to admit.

Something in my heart makes me a line-jumper.

I would never cut in line at an amusement park—it’s rude. I’d wait my turn. Yet in conversation, I sometimes cut in, making it about me. My heart is deceitful. I would like to believe that I interrupt out of excitement for what someone else is sharing, and sometimes that’s true. But if I’m completely honest, it’s often a sign that my flesh is smack dab at the center of my own heart. I get caught up with myself.

Our flesh loves to make everything about us—our preferences, our stories, our desires, our opinions… me, me, me. And yet, so often, we don’t even notice when we’ve made ourselves the center.

Matthew 12:34 (CSB) reminds us, “For the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart.”

Our words are a barometer of the soul—not just the content that comes out, but the “how” and “when” that we speak and, importantly, the way we listen. When our hearts are full of ourselves, it’s obvious-just not to ourselves.

There’s a way out…

So what’s the way out of being at the center? The short answer is confession and repentance. It’s asking God for forgiveness for making it about me yet again. It’s asking Him to help me lift my gaze.

Listening well is a skill that I’m still learning. I have to keep reminding myself and stay intentional. This selfish habit didn’t form overnight, and it won’t disappear overnight either. Growth takes time and deliberate practice. Changing something so ingrained can feel daunting, but with God’s help it is possible.

Proverbs 20:5 GNT says, “A person’s thoughts are like water in a deep well, but someone with insight can draw them out.”

I love that. Picture a bucket being pulled up and out of a deep well. With some time and work, listening well is like cool, clean water than quenches the thirst on a hot day. Truly listening well and asking questions to draw someone out refreshes them because they know someone cares.

The art of listening involves

1. Prayer: Especially as you are learning to listen, ask God to help you be a good conversationalist and to help you notice when you start to interject. Confess to God and apologize to the other person asking them to continue.
2. Curiosity: Open ended questions are a key to being engaged. When you ask about what they are talking about, it shows that you long to hear more of their story or perspective. That speaks volumes. Every single person is interesting. Look for the treasure that could be in the conversation. Check out the “Next Steps” at the bottom of post for some great questions.
3. Tell me More: A phrase that is incredibly powerful in conversation is “tell me more.” As your partner speaks and there is silence, lean in and ask them to tell you more. You’ll be surprised where this heart-to-heart dialogue will take the relationship. It allows space, time, and love to reveal things that would otherwise remain hidden.
4. Two Ears and One Mouth: Be quick to listen, and slow to speak. This is all about a heart posture that places the other person’s needs above your need to control the conversation.
5. Get rid of distractions. Any type of screen or busy work can keep conversations at bay. Multi-tasking usually doesn’t yield the heart-felt conversations.
6. Mindfulness: Be mindful of the pitfalls that pull the conversation back to revolving around ourselves. When we enter in a conversation aware that we tend to interrupt or change the subject, we can consciously choose a different course.
7. Don’t finish their sentences: That shows your impatience and that you think you know what they are trying to communicate. I know when people do that to me, oftentimes their end to the sentence is not what I was trying to communicate. That just shuts the person down because they feel unheard.
8. Ask Reflective Questions: Paraphrasing is a great way to make sure you are understanding them when there is a break in the conversation. If you are truly listening to understand, a reflective question helps them know that you are engaged. A great way to paraphrase is to say, “So what I hear you saying is….”

Proverbs 18:2 (ESV) states, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” According to the Bible, a fool is someone who rejects God’s ways and wisdom and whose heart is centered on self. I don’t want to be a fool.

Humility, however, invites God to reorder our hearts. It asks the Lord to fill us with His Holy Spirit so we can discern His still, small voice. If we struggle to listen to the people standing right in front of us, how can we expect to listen to the gentle prompting of the Spirit?

When we allow the Holy Spirit to be at the center, we become people who draw out the hearts of others. I want to be a person who creates conversations rich with meaning, compassion, and God’s presence and that takes intentionality and discipline.

Next Steps: Practical Ways to Listen Well

Relational Practices

Open ended questions draw people out making them feel seen and loved.

An open ended question can not be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” The questions usually start with the words what, how, and why. They naturally invite reflection, dialogue, and storytelling. Here are some great open ended questions that you can use in your next conversation.

Questions to get the conversation rolling…

• What’s God been teaching you lately?
• What are the ways that make you feel connected with God?
• What’s a dream or goal that you’ve been thinking about lately?
• If you could give your past self advice, what would it be?
• What have you been learning recently?
• What are the ways that make you feel connected with God?

Questions to keep the conversation rolling…

• What emotions come up for you when that happens?
• Why is that important to you?
• How did you come to that perspective?
• What was that experience like for you?

Practice

Intentionally practice these listening skills with a family member or friend being keenly aware of your tendencies and potential pitfalls. Start small in tackling bad habits. and build on it over time. Pick one tendency and intentionally focus on making that one change. For me, interrupting is first on my list.

Try using the phrase “tell me more” and get curious with a true desire to understand the other person. Put yourself in the backseat. As you are listening, make sure you ask the Lord to help you love this person well with the Holy Spirit’s guidance.

Spiritual Practices

Here are some great scriptures that have to do with listening. Read, pray and journal and apply the principles found in James 1:19-26, Proverbs 1:5, Proverbs 18:21, Psalm 141:3, Proverbs 10:19, Philippians 2:1-18.

Ask God to show you what pitfalls you tend to fall in related to communication and confess them to Him. Ask Him to give you a few simple things to be aware of and practice in your conversations.

Emotional and Mental Practices

Using a media of your choice make artwork of what it feels like to have someone treat you in a way that you feel seen and understood.

Using that same media, make artwork of what it feels like to have someone treat you in a way that makes you feel pushed to the side and unheard.

Note: Some media options could be paint, pencil, colored pencils or markers, chalk, fabric, collage, clay, photography, pen, or oil pastel.

Ask the Holy Spirit to speak to your heart through this exercise. Journal or talk to a friend about your two drawings.

Physical Practices

Physically, lean in to the conversation and look for nonverbal cues. Maybe rest your hand near your ear or mouth to remind you of your intentions.

Going on a walk can be a great time for a conversation whether you’re on the phone or in person. Make it your goal to listen well during your walk and talk.

May the God who loves us and hears our deepest thoughts wrap you in his arms of love as you seek to love others well through the art of listening.